Sometimes I catch myself in a panic because I'll be eating seafood or inhale secondary smoke. Then I look down and reality sets in. Every date is significant right now. I'll look at the cheese in my refrigerator and the expiration date is in May. My first thought is that Henry will be here before my cheese goes bad. Then I remember. It's been over 8 weeks, and I still feel phantom kicks. But my boy isn't there.
I walked into church this morning and saw so many pregnant women and newborn babies. Turns out it was Baby Dedication today. My heart burned with sadness, but God instantly reminded me that He has asked me to walk a different road. It did get me thinking though. I wonder how many women looked at me when I was pregnant and thought the same thing. Women who had miscarried or were dealing with infertility. Did their heart's hurt when they looked at me? Did they wonder why God asked them to walk a different road? Even now? Has there been a woman who cried when she saw me with Benjamin because she lost her son? I'd give anything to know these thoughts.
I saw a nursing mother the other day and told Andrew that she has no clue how blessed she is. He reminded me that I had no clue how blessed I was when I nursed Benjamin. He had a point. We were totally naive when we were pregnant with Benjamin. It never once occurred to me that I could lose him. Not once did I fear he wouldn't breathe outside my womb. The human in me would give anything to be that naive again. But the godly woman in me is thankful for the opportunity to really trust Him should I get pregnant again.
When I was pregnant with both my boys, I instantly acknowledged in their journals that they were God's children and on loan to me. I dedicated them to Jesus the moment I knew I was pregnant. I had no clue I'd really have to put my heart where my mouth was. That He would really ask me to give Him my son. Before I lost Henry, I never knew real pain. Sure I had trials. Since I was a child, things have never come easy for me, but I'd never really suffered. I would read Scriptures about suffering and think oh that's nice....for somebody else. It was always my sister's friend or my friend's sorority sister. Then one day it was me. Never in my wildest dreams did I believe these Scriptures would sustain me.
Before I lost Henry, I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. My husband and I were in Boston, and I remember thinking that life was heavenly. My marriage was in a good place. I had a beautiful son waiting for me at home and couldn't wait to give him a baby brother so close to his age. And I made plans. I had Benjamin's bedroom set picked out and was going to order an extra twin bed so he could share a room with his brother one day. I had started going through all of Benjamin's old clothes, had new items saved in my Etsy favorites and moved the crib into Henry's room. I was HAPPY! And it all changed in a second. In one moment, my dreams were shattered. But that's the thing about happiness. It's fleeting. I've been walking with Christ most of my life. Shame on me for thinking...for expecting...to have heaven on earth. That was never God's intention for any of us and while I'd change what happened out of my own selfish desire to have my Henry, I'm so thankful He got my attention. You see, I had no need for heaven before I lost Henry. I had everything I needed on this earth. I'm honestly shocked God allowed me to live that delusional for as long as I did.
I sometimes wonder why God allows so much suffering for one person and what seems like nothing for somebody else. In fact, I know quite a few people who appear to live "heaven on earth" as I once did. The human in me wants to remind God that it's not fair. Why do they get heaven and I don't?
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
If I really get the point of this life...if I really believe that this is but a moment, who am I to balk at suffering? Why wouldn't I welcome it? If He bruised His Own Son why wouldn't He bruise me? Why wouldn't I delight in the fact that He chose me? It's the renewal of my mind that makes me able to walk a different road. To stomach babies and pregnant women when my arms are empty. To worship through my tears. To give up the idea of "earthly heaven."
"I am certain that I never did grow in grace one-half so much anywhere as I have upon the bed of pain." Charles Spurgeon
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