Six Years...

Six years of marriage…Most people would tell me “Congratulations” and go on their merry, little way, but anyone brave enough to admit that they have really struggled in their marriage knows that every year, every day, is an accomplishment. My marriage has been my Everest. It has been THE biggest challenge in my life. My proudest accomplishment, too. It trumps writing a book, running a marathon, even raising 2 beautiful boys. And I hate to say this, but there have been moments when it has been as hard as losing a child. I’m not saying this to be a Debbie Downer. In fact, I’m saying this to encourage those out there who want to quit. Who aren’t “happy.” Who don’t think their marriage can change. Who feel that their marriage will always (for lack of a better word) suck. I am living proof that it can change. That people can change. That I can change. That your spouse can change. And that God can redeem the coldest, most wretched situation. I know that because He redeemed mine.

I am THE most stubborn human being alive. I am also pretty entitled and very selfish. I have lofty expectations of everyone close to me, even more so for myself. This trait immediately set my husband up to fail. When my husband and I were first married, we really struggled, but I thought that was normal. I mean, two selfish sinners under the same roof breeds challenges, right? Not to mention the fact that my husband and I both have Alpha personalities. It was hard, but then it got worse. And rather than praying about it and allowing God to work, more specifically work on me, I let it infect my heart. My expectations were not being met so I bought into the world’s view that I deserved to be happy. My husband was this and not that. So and So’s husband was doing this with his family and so and so doesn’t do that. Blah blah blah. I believe my husband would be the first to admit that he definitely had work to do, but it was me that was growing cold and complacent. I’m not going to hash the details because I believe these things to be private, but when I finally started praying more and filtering every concern through the Lord, change began. My frigid heart began to melt. Over time, and after a lot of mistakes, God has given me a new love for my husband. The giddy, “Baby, you are so hot,” kind of love! Seriously, just the other day I made him pose for a picture because he looked so smokin’ hot that I wanted to savor that image! If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

I know so many people who are struggling in their marriage. They are married to selfish people that act like frat boys, spend too much money, watch too much football, work too much, hunt or golf too much, criticize, etc. etc. My marriage has its’ own set of issues, but all my biggest issues boiled down to this: it was all about me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s excruciatingly hard when you don’t feel “seen” by the one you pledged your life to. Or when you look at Facebook and imagine other people’s lives and husbands to be perfect while yours is not what you had hoped. Or if you are really honest with yourself, deserved. I also know the fear we have as mamas that our children may see dysfunction because our husbands may be acting like an idiot or just plain not filling our needs. (Didn’t we all swear we would be different than our parents or that we would be Allie and Noah from The Notebook.) Truth is, until I got over myself, I was paralyzed by my own expectations. By my entitlement. My husband had no chance because of my “What’s In It For Me” attitude. I get that marriage can be hard. I seriously wanted to be divorced the first few years of my marriage. And I understand that I am blessed that my spouse refused to give up on me and is changing every day, as am I. But we have to get over ourselves. Everybody assumes that their situation is different, but the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what he is or isn’t doing. Unless it is harmful or dangerous, it can be fixed. I know firsthand that God can change anyone. He can redeem any and every situation. He has changed the entire dynamics of my marriage. He has grown in my husband’s life. He has taught this entitled, kinda feminist, selfish woman to love and cleave to her man. (As a side note, I have to say that I believe there are Biblical reasons to divorce, and if there is a situation you are unsure about, Biblical counsel from a trusted pastor should be sought out first.) But in no way is being unhappy or your husband hurting your feelings or being selfish a Biblical reason to divorce. That is a lie and perhaps why the divorce rate is so high. It’s why my marriage struggled so much in the beginning.

I have a tendency to surround myself with people who don’t challenge me. I mean, who doesn’t want to be pat on the back and told “poor, pitiful you?” While most days this isn’t an issue, this is the most crippling kind of friend regarding your marriage. Surrounding myself with people who agree with me and tell me to leave my husband because I’m not happy or because he will never change is straight from Satan. PRAISE GOD FOR GODLY FRIENDS! I have been blessed with a mother who consistently called me out on my “Holier Than Thou” Attitude that thought my marital woes couldn’t possibly be me. Having a person like her is a gift from God’s hands and is integral in my life, especially my marriage. She called me on my junk, still does, by pointing me to Jesus. Someone who reminds you, in love, that you took a vow, that nothing is impossible for God, and that divorce of any kind (emotional or physical) is detrimental to yourself and your children was the best thing that I could have heard. Though it was hard to hear and definitely not pretty, it triggered the love I already had for The Lord and motivated me to change….and pray. This is precisely why the Bible talks about iron sharpening iron. We are to encourage one another in holiness. Not happiness. While I wanted to slap my Mama upside the head for challenging me when I was upset, I could not be more thankful that she pushed me to holiness, more specifically, pushed me to my husband. I owe her my life for that. She knew that my joy outweighed my momentary happiness. Oh, how everyone needs that kind of friend. Had she told me that she just wants me happy, I would have left Andrew for some stupid reason. There would be no Henry. No Samuel. And Benjamin would be another statistic. Praise GOD I dodged that bullet.

We live in a world that’s all about being happy. YOLO. Do it now. Instant gratification. That’s why we are fat. That’s why we are in debt. That’s why we are impatient. And I have totally bought into it. I am a glutton for the instant gratification life has to offer. I barely know what hard work looks like. But let’s be honest, the best things in life are achieved through hard work. And marriage is no different. If I were to have left my husband when things weren’t like a Hallmark movie, I would have probably married another Yahoo with a new set of problems. What a fool I would have been. I would have thrown so much away because of my own selfishness. I am in no way saying to get used to mediocrity. To read your Bible all day and hide behind God. Absolutely not! I am saying to fight for your marriage. At first, I didn’t want to but God used the love I had for my child and for Him to get motivated. I’m not saying to stay in a marriage for kids, but in allowing God to use children and faith as a reason to want to work on things, the love for your spouse will come in due time. I am not a natural optimist. Seriously, I hate to admit this but I lean toward the negative side of things, but I am optimistic about things that I have witnessed firsthand. And that is this: Not only can God save your marriage, but He can renew it and make it better. He can thaw the coldest of hearts (mine) and change you and your spouse for the better.

I, by no means, have the good wife thing down. In fact, just last week on the way into church, I was mad at my husband and said something I knew would hurt him. Not make him mad, but hurt him. The old spouse of mine would have fired back. A fight would have occurred and we would have spent the entire day mad and jabbing at each other. Well, my sweet husband told me it hurt him and even asked that we start over so that we didn’t end up in a toxic cycle. He proceeded to take me to lunch. Not golf with his buddies to escape my attitude but spend time with the family. He knew I needed that. Anyone that knows my husband and where my marriage has been knows that that is a miracle in itself. I am not proud of my bad mouth, but I am proud to have witnessed yet another gift of grace from the Lord.
 

Marriage is a blessing. It’s a hard, beautiful, messy, rewarding journey. It sanctifies us. It has and is changing me. This is why I am so passionate about fighting for it….and about tapping into The Lord’s desire for my marriage to make it and letting Satan know he can’t have it. Because I have been there, I have to say this one more time. It’s not about you or me. Of course I challenge my husband and call him out when he is acting a fool. And so should you! But to leave him and force my kids to grow up without both parents in their home all because I have the warped idea that marriage should be like a romantic comedy is not only absurd but THE most selfish thing any mother could ever do. To love your children, to love Jesus, to truly be walking with Him means fighting for your marriage. Boundaries and counseling, even a trial separation may be needed based on circumstances, but there is hope. These last 6 years have been hard, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I have witnessed Him part The Red Sea and do THE IMPOSSIBLE. I couldn’t be more proud to be married to my man, and I am so happy to let The Lord change me and mold my husband and me into His likeness...not mine.