17 Days

I've been a mom for 17 days, and I have to say that it's been the best 17 days of my life. Don't get me wrong. Life 'aint perfect or easy for that matter. For not being busy, I sure am busy! I look like dog poo just about every day. I am totally sleep deprived. No longer pregnant, I'm just chubby. The romance in my marriage has been put on hold, as there is now a child sleeping in my room and well, I wear the dorkiest looking nursing bras ever! I have been peed, pooped, and spit up on. I'm an emotional mess. But at the same time, I'm more fulfilled and happy than I've ever been in my entire life. Benjamin has taught me so much already. My life is truly no longer my own. I now wear the lens of a mother. I never understood how my Mom could give up so much for me. Her time, money, the shirt of her back, but it all makes sense now. I now have this needy, little human that depends on me for everything. Me....the girl who still depends so much on her mommy! Just the other day, Benjamin started couching and I screamed for her, even though she was in Tennessee! Being a mom has shown me the way I am to Christ. I'm His needy, little human who can do nothing apart from Him. God knows I've tried! My cries hurt Him. He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. I've had a lot of down time, being as I'm a milking machine, so I've had precious moments to sit and reflect. Daily, I look into my son's beaultiful baby blues and pray for his salvation, that God will claim Him. And know Him. That He will strengthen Andrew and me to make the best decisions we can for him. But it's not all serious around the Dafferner house. This little guy must think I'm a nut job. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm never going to be the mom that has it together. I'm not Mrs. PTA. But I can promise you that Benjamin will have a mother who adores the mess out of him. A mama he will know hits her knees in prayer for him daily. 17 days...I know each day is a blessing. That I'm not promised tomorrow with him. That Benjamin belongs to Jesus. My son is a gift. A blessing. A loaner, as He is God's child. I'm just the woman blessed to have had 17 precious days with him.

Benjamin's Birth

Boy did God give me an easy delivery! I'm not the calm, breathe through the pain kind-of-girl. I literally have a racing heart every time I get on an elevator. I'm neurotic. A fatalist. Every ache in my body is "probably cancer." I'm getting better, but I'm still what they call a hypochondriac. An annoying patient. Towards the end of pregnancy, it got real that this baby was coming out, so I started praying for a fast and drama-free delivery. I'm not gonna lie. The whole giving birth thing is a bit barbaric to me. I watched one YouTube birth video and was done. I told my doctor I was having second thoughts, but he assured me it was too late. The baby had to come out. I pumped myself up by saying weanies, crazies, teenagers, they all have babies! I can do this! I mean, Mary Mother of Jesus was 14 and birthed our King in a stable....with no drugs! My sister- in-law reminded me of something just before I went in to deliver Benjamin. She apologized for always telling me not to be afraid. She simply told me to, "Do it afraid." Then I realized what a waste all my worry was. I didn't want my fear to rob me of the joy of this miracle. We checked in to the hospital at like 1 am on Saturday morning and started the induction process. Upon my water breaking at lunchtime, I birthed my baby boy 3.5 hours later! Thank you Jesus! My biggest fear in the whole process was the epidural, even though people assured me I would be begging for it. They all said contractions hurt so bad that pain will trump fear. And they were right. Once the intense contractions came on, I put on my David Crowder music and went to my happy place. This worked for maybe an hour before I was ready for a sledge hammer to my head. I told my Mom that I really didn't care if I died at this point (they could get my baby boy out safely without me) so get this dude in here! Praise Jesus my Doctor Daddy was there to observe him shove a needle in my back. From that moment on the process was smooth sailing. One minute I'm talking to my family, the next minute I told the nurse I felt pressure. The nurse decided to check me and she was like, "Uh, I feel his head. Don't push. I'm calling the MD." Some of the family cleared out at this point, but I was feeling so good that I even asked a student to stay and observe. (Hey, I support medical professionals in training!) My Mom grabbed a leg and instantly started crying. My mother-in-law had the other leg and my sweet husband was by my side. My sister Lisa was also there. It really was a beautiful, family event. The MD came in all breathless and the entire room pushed with me, seeing as I wasn't catching on to the concept. I told them to stop pushing with me before they pooped in their pants! 7 minutes later, my baby boy was born. It's crazy, the immediate rush of love I had for this tiny human being. And it's a love I've never felt before. I love my husband more than life itself, but that love that has built over time. The love I have for this angel was instant and at 2:45 pm on September 3, 2011 my life changed. I no longer live for me. I would give this little one the beating heart out of my chest. I am so blessed. God gave me so much peace throughout everything. So much courage. I turned into something I'm not! And every minute of the day I fall more in love with Jesus. I need Him more than ever, as Benjamin is His child. I just have the pleasure of raising Him on earth. Just after he was born, I looked down at Benjamin and said to my Mom, "How did God give up His Son?" It's unfathomable to me.