Moment by Moment

Today I was walking through the parking lot with Benjamin and that child was not wanting to hold my hand! The tighter I squeezed, the more he fought me. Confidently, I told my son that I was not letting go. At that point, he did what any 2 1/2 year old would do...He fell to his knees....in the middle of the parking lot. I instantly picked him up and carried him to the car.

When I lost Henry, there were days I didn't want to hold onto God. And if I'm really being honest, there are days I don't feel like he's holding me. So often I ache and hurt and wonder why He took my son. Today, I've run into 2 pregnant women due around the same time as Henry. Longing to have that boy in my womb, I cried silently as I stared at their bellies and looked down at mine. In moments like this, I act very much like my son. I feel myself trying to let go of God's hand. I fight and struggle and try to break free, but God confidently holds tight. He won't relax His grip no matter how hard I fight Him. And in those dark, dark moments, those days where I want to (and sometimes do) throw in the towel, He confidently picks me up and carries me through that moment. And that's exactly how I'm getting through the loss of my sweet Henry. Moment by moment. Some I'm able to walk through. Others I have to be carried.