Hope

Benjamin got both his power wheel cars out of the garage today and couldn't decide which one to ride. A flood of sadness hit me as as I stared at the empty one, realizing my sweet Henry won't be riding next to his brother. I was always told that time heals. It's been over 2 months, and I have yet to experience that. Maybe it's because my due date is getting closer and everything is a countdown. I should be over 31 weeks pregnant. I should be getting the nursery ready. I should be feeling his kicks. Instead, I feel sadness as I laugh with Benjamin and wish his brother were playing with us. Sometimes I wonder if he's looking down, smiling at his family. Can he see us? Can he hear me yelling at Andrew when really I'm taking my hurt out on him? Can he see me sin? How does Jesus hold every baby in heaven? And if Jesus isn't holding him, then who is? Does he have a mom in heaven? How old is he there? To be honest, I'm not sure how it all works. I have so many questions. But the same one keeps entering my head day after day....why? I know that's the question you're never supposed to ask. It's the question that never seems to get answered, but as I hear about babies being born and people getting pregnant it always enters my mind. "Why, God? I've loved You most of my life." When I lost Henry, I was walking with The Lord closer than I've ever walked with Him. I would have raised Henry to love God, so why him? Was I being punished? Would I have loved Henry too much?

A lot of people tell me they'd never be able to handle something like this. I often hear, "I can't even imagine." My answer is this, "Me neither." I truly believe God gives you what you need at that moment, for that moment. I've heard the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle" my entire life yet no where is that in Scripture. Losing Henry was more than I can handle, so I can attest that this statement is untrue. What is true, however, is that He changes you when something like this happens. The old you can't handle it, but the new you can. But only a day at a time. Maybe an hour at a time. The moment I look ahead, even to the next day, I fall into overwhelming sadness that tempts me to lose hope.

For some reason church is one of the hardest places to be. Maybe it's all the babies in the nursery. Or Satan trying to hinder my worship. Or maybe it's a place full of hope that sometimes feels unreachable. Because some days I don't "feel" like hoping. Today was one of those days. I found myself looking at my flat tummy and wondering how big I'd be right now. I cried as I thought about having another baby one day because Henry will always be missing. I thought about how soon April 12th is approaching. All of it is so overwhelming. Some days are easier than others. Some days I smile and really mean it. Other days I feel as if the world is moving on and I'm stuck in one place. One of my favorite verses says not to lose heart. To renew our minds day by day. Even when I don't feel like it. Even when it feels like everyone has moved on. Even when I see a mother cradling her infant son...do not lose heart. The rest of the verse reminds us that this is light and momentary in comparison with the glory that far outweighs it all. I can't even fathom this being light and momentary, but if the glory that compares isn't even in the same ballpark as losing Henry...Wow. I want to be a part of that.

I find great comfort in King David's words after he lost his infant son.... "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." Now that's hope. David is telling us that babies will be in heaven! I will one day go to Henry. Even when I don't feel that way. Even when I have too many questions. I have this hope and it's written in the Word of God....I will go to him.