Thou Knowest

One of the hardest things in the world is learning contentment when you’re not where you want to be in life. Even harder, to me, is when you see others "arriving" while you’re in the same ole’ place. I'm writing this not to say "buck up" or "bloom where you're planted" because while true, I believe it lacks empathy and grace. I'm writing this to say, "me too." I'd like to say I've been there and got the t-shirt, but the truth is I've just been there. I struggle in this place every single time God brings me here.

I don't think trials should be compared. Sure, there are people losing children, receiving a terminal diagnosis, going through a divorce, and all other sorts of horrific circumstances. While these circumstances definitely put into perspective your struggles, this still doesn't diminish your discontentment or the hurt you feel while sitting in a waiting room. At least it doesn't for me.

I have found two words that have helped me whenever I'm in this place. Two simple, Old Testament words that ring in my ear whenever I wrestle with these thoughts. "Thou Knowest." Your husband didn't get that job promotion. "Thou Knowest." Your house didn't sell. "Thou Knowest." You are barely scraping by financially. “Thou Knowest.” You suffer from a chronic illness. “Thou Knowest.”

After I lost Henry, I so badly wanted another child. That feeling of seeing one line when I so badly want two took my breath away. "Thou Knowest." I mean, let’s walk this for a second. What if I had cancer cells that hormones in a pregnancy would have fed? What if I were to have a miscarriage or another stillborn child and my soul and marriage just couldn't handle it? What if there was a child across the ocean I was supposed to adopt? What if God knows my one child was gonna need so much of me later in life? Oh Lord, "Thou Knowest."

I have found the worst thing that can be done when struggling with contentment is to dive into media. Social media, especially. Andrew and I were laughing the other day at how perfect our life looked from some of our recent Facebook posts. This is true of everyone. Facebook, Twitter, television, they're all highlight reels. It's so easy to look at someone who seemingly has more money, more kids, more fun. Someone prettier, skinnier, smarter. A better mom. A better wife. A better Christian. Oh, this is so easy to believe. I am lured into this trap too often, but that's precisely what it is...a trap. It's so easy to think God skipped you on the blessing train. That God dealt you a harder hand. But even if your circumstances are harder, or complacent, is that really a bad thing? I mean, don't we all seek God when we're desperate? Or when we want something so badly....like a change of scenery, another kid, a stronger marriage? "Thou Knowest."

Like most of the world, I've suffered life's acute and life’s chronic pains. While they both have their own challenges, chronic pain eats at you slowly. A hard marriage, a physical ailment, a difficult child, infertility, these are all chronic pains, but a big one that so many of us are blinded to is complacency. Sure, life can be mundane. Prayers can seem to go unanswered, but as my sister said to me the other day, don't put a comma where a period should go and don't put a period where a comma should go. Think about this for a minute. God may be saying no. Period. He may also be saying wait. Comma. It's not for us to punctuate or label the situation. It's for us to abide, to seek His face and to let Him lead. Your house won't sell. You aren't pregnant this month. Your husband didn't get that job. You want more money. You want to quit your job. Whatever the situation, we have two choices. We can turn to Facebook and convince ourselves that God blesses everyone but you. That action must be taken in every situation. That life isn’t fair. Or we can stay the course. We can pray. We can seek Him, cry to Him, and rest in Him. No matter what we choose, however, and no matter what befalls us in this short, short life, the fact still remains: "Thou Knowest."