Comparison

I recently took a break from Facebook. While I enjoy keeping up with people, especially family and old friends, it was ruining my self-esteem, my marriage, and relationship with God. It was creating in me a false sense of what life should be like. I’m not some freak that thinks social media is evil in itself. It can actually be a great ministry tool, and it has been for me in the past. But lately, it has been a band aid to a deeper problem. Some people don’t have this problem. In fact, I asked my husband the other day how he can look at Facebook every day and not get annoyed or envious. He looked at me as if I had a third eye because this has never even hit his radar.

So what’s my problem? Comparison. When I lost Henry, I logged into Facebook and saw healthy babies and sweet pregnant bellies all over my feed. When I got in a recent fight with my husband, I saw a dozen posts about perfect husbands and romantic dates. and spontaneous trips. When I lost 35 of the 45 pounds I gained with Samuel, I saw multiple bikini posts and “I’m back in my skinny jeans 6 weeks after giving birth.” When I recently hung a new painting I adore, I saw multiple friends’ elaborately decorated million dollar homes. While I am happy for others and the ways in which God has blessed them, these posts allowed me to question why I was still chubby, why my marriage struggled, why I lost a son, and so on and so on. They made me angry with God. Why did He take Henry when He blessed her with a child after she had an abortion in college? I was walking with Him so closely, praying, and bam my son was gone! Why does she get a third healthy child when she doesn’t even pray for her children? Not only is it petty and judgmental on my part because God is writing their story as well as mine, but this is a dangerous train of thought that leads straight to alienation from the Lord and depression. And Satan LOVES it. In fact, I can hear his whispers, “Serving God leads to pain. Look at so and so…She has a perfect life and yours sucks. Her husband adores her and yours can't wait to leave for work every morning. Why do you even pray if God does what He wants anyway?” Like I said, Facebook is not a problem for everyone, but for where I was, it served as a platform for way deeper issues in me. It created a false sense of what life should be and what I so selfishly "deserved" when in fact mine is exactly the one God chose for me.

Then there are the posts about marriage. These are actually laughable when I think about it because I know no marriage is perfect. In fact, most are hard, but my stars, if you get me on the right day Facebook is plain depressing in this arena. If I see one more post about someone’s soap opera man of a husband who works all day and comes home with flowers and chocolate to cook, clean, and romance their wife, I may lose it. It sounds funny to write because I know that social media is only a highlight reel. No one posts that their husband forgets to flush the toilet or drinks too much or had an affair. Everyone struggles in their own way. Everyone has problems, whether they choose to see them or not, but on those lonely days, days where you haven’t left the house and your kids are acting a fool, you drink the Facebook Koolaid. Why doesn’t my husband buy me a nicer home? In fact, why doesn’t he make more money or read The Bible more with the kids? Why doesn’t he take me to The Caribbean? And oh, he could do the same thing to me. He could wonder why I have so much cellulite and his friend's wife is a size 2? Or why I'm always in yoga pants when so and so’s wife is always put together? To be honest, these thoughts never would have occurred to me had I not logged onto Facebook. Not that I blame Facebook for my critical, unsatisfied heart. The problem isn’t Facebook or Instagram. The problem is me.

I have endured a lot of pain and heart ache in the past year. And I am a messy, sinful, selfish woman. But you know what? My problems and struggles are the lot God has given me. If I could flip my mindset from “Why is her life so perfect” to “God gave me this so that I can know Him more” then I would be so much more better off. And confident. And free. If I could always grasp that life is truly about knowing Him and serving Him, I would want to delight in His sufferings. I mean, have you read the Bible? No one with a story had it perfect. In fact, God’s greatest leaders struggled the most. Their lives were messy. They struggled and fell but they always got back up. Losing Henry was the worst thing I have ever endured. It was a potential podium for so many negative thoughts and if I were to let myself go there, I would die. I know this because I did on a few occasions. I once read that your greatest trial is your greatest ministry. I couldn’t agree more. God created me knowing that I would lose my precious son. It’s horrible and dark and I yearn for him daily, but there is so much beauty in it. Why cheapen that by comparing myself to some random girl from high school who is rich, has a nanny and has 3 “perfect” kids?

And my husband. I couldn’t have a better husband. I have watched him grow and mature in his walk with the Lord so much over the past few years. He is the man who held me and prayed out loud in the funeral home chapel when I had to sign over my son’s body. He is the man who goes for a drive around the block instead of staying in the room while I take out my hard day on him. He is the man that takes on extra work so that I can stay home AND shop at Target. So why do I even try to compare him to any other man? I’ll tell you this, Facebook doesn’t help. We have a beautiful home in a nice community. In fact, I was looking at our house the other day thinking about how beautiful it is and how much I love all the things in it. Things from our 7 years together. Things we picked out. Things from our children. Memories. Then on to Facebook I go and boom, another friend has a million dollar home with Pottery Barn everything. And why don't her dogs shed? Why does this even bother me? I’m still not sure, but the root of the issue is entitlement and worldliness and I don’t like it. It makes me feel icky and shallow. I never think to compare myself to people who are wealthier or more beautiful or whose life appears easier until I look at social media.

The only tool that we should use for comparison is the Word of God. The only being I should compare myself to is Jesus Christ. That means that when these thoughts arise….the “she is prettier, she is a better mom, her marriage is perfect, her husband is more attentive, her children are more behaved” thoughts boil in my heart I need to measure them to the Word. Period. End of story. This isn’t an endorsement to get rid of social media. In fact, I plan to use it again when I can grasp these concepts better, but it can be a tool that creates great, unnecessary, unwarranted, ugly comparison. Comparison that robs me of the joy promised in Christ. The joy of enjoying the beautiful blessings I have now.