Questioning God

I would have delivered Henry this week. I know that's hard to predict but bring a control freak, I would have induced. Control. That's a laughable word to me these days. My husband has always told me that control is an illusion. He's right. We think we have it, but we don't. I was so upset about Henry the other day that I got in my car and screamed at the top of my lungs. I've never done that before. It actually felt pretty good. I also had it out with God. Some people may call that irreverent, but I can't help my feelings. My heart is broken. No. It's been ripped from my chest. I cried and asked God how He could do this. I asked Him what kind of Father rips a baby from a mother's womb? I know all the Christian answers, but this does little to soothe my heart.

I see Facebook posts of God's blessings over so many women's wombs. I understand people have struggles I don't know about, but reading about healthy 3rd and 4th babies makes me wonder why God took my son. I know all the church answers, but some days I don't feel like hearing them. Especially not this week. There is not one thing any human being can say to make me hurt less. To be honest, screaming in my car and being honest with God has been the most helpful. I know others are where I am. Maybe not with babies and pregnancy but in other pressing circumstances. Others know the pain of seeing people flourish in God's blessings while they're putting on a brave face, smiling through heart ache. Through unanswered prayers. Through waiting rooms. Through anger and disappointment.

I don't think God allowed Henry to die. The whole, God needed my baby in heaven is hogwash. The whole, He allowed it because we live in a fallen world is also a load. I believe God took Henry. The same way God took Job's family. He took him for a purpose, of course. Just like He took His Only Son for a great great purpose. But I can't help but wonder why He didn't teach me another way. Or been glorified another way. Why was my sweet Henry a sacrificial lamb to some greater cause? Why not another way? Why do some people get their prayer request or their miracle and others don't?

I know losing Henry means there's a great purpose I know nothing of. God never allows pain without purpose. In the midst of my pain, I truly truly believe that. But some days this doesn't bring me comfort. Some days I hit a wall and wanna quit. But what a long life of losing faith if I camp here. If I throw in the towel and shut God out for the rest of my life. What uselessness Henry's life would have been if I let this be where my faith and hope die.

I believe it's more than okay to cry and grieve. I don't think there's anything sinful about questioning God. I think we all grieve differently, and my authenticity before Him is therapeutic and necessary. I have always envied people who can suffer silently, stay the course and believe God is a faithful God without any question. People who can accept what happens and though they hurt still look up without uttering a harsh word. But that's not me. That's not how I cope, and God understands that. He also knows there are days where I'm angry and have to let it out. He can take my questions. He's not surprised. After all, didn't He wire me?

I've been reading Genesis and have fallen in love with the story of Jacob wrestling God. I feel like this is what I've been doing the last few months. Jacob wrestled God and wouldn't let go until God blessed him. I'm doing the same. Only Jacob never gave up. He wrestled so long and so hard that he forever had a limp. A reminder. I want that, too.

The next couple weeks are gonna be brutal. Every day I imagine this could have been the happiest day of my life. I think about and long to know what Henry looks like with life in his eyes. I want nothing more on this earth then to turn back time and have him safely in my womb. Knowing the growth I've had in my walk, the people who have told me they are being ministered to....I'd take it all back to have my second born safely in my arms. I'd trade almost anything to have him here. But I wasn't given that choice. God knew the plans for him before he was conceived. God knew the purpose in his death before I was even born. And God has loved me my whole life, even knowing the questions I would later ask.