God, The Perfect Parent

God recently told me no to something I wanted so badly. It was shortly after I lost Henry so you can imagine my devastation. My very first thought after He closed the door was, "God hates me." I've never thought that before. Sure I've thought He was being extra hard on me or withholding a blessing, but I've never truly believed He hated me. It was a hard place.

I've learned so much since becoming a parent. One of those things is the deep deep love I have for my child. It's so deep I can't even explain it. As a mom, there's not much that would hurt me more than my son truly believing that I hate him. Especially since I love him more than my own life.

After throwing a temper tantrum for a few days, I examined my heart. And what I found wasn't so pretty. In the back of my mind, I believed that God owed me my request because He took Henry.

Part of being a good mother is telling my son no. Even when he's so convinced that what he asks is a good idea. What I asked God looked perfect on paper. I was so convinced it was His will for me. When He said no it felt like a punch in the face.

I can't even begin to know the heart and thoughts of God, but I do know we have this in common..We will protect our children at all costs. But God is so much better at it than I. He truly knows what's best. He doesn't make mistakes. He so willingly takes the brunt of our anger because He is so loving. I believe it hurts His heart when He stands His ground because He knows our pain. I also believe He gets excited about the day when we willingly submit to His plan because He know it's gonna be good. It's gonna be so much better than that which He may have said no to. I have to admit that I have had a few weak moments where I give in to my son's demands for whatever reason. Maybe I'm tired or feel guilty, but this is what makes God a perfect parent. He doesn't have weak moments. He doesn't get tired or feel guilty. He stands firm in His answer. I'm so thankful for a God who is so stubbornly in love with me that my pity parties can't sway Him.