Holiness Over Happiness

"Holiness, not happiness, is the chief end of man." I attended a funeral yesterday and couldn't help but think about what Oswald Chambers once said. As my husband's beloved grandfather was laid to rest I kept thinking that nothing mattered but the legacy he left for his children on earth. Not his achievements. Or his money. Or even his relationships. When he stands face to face, naked, before the The King, what matters isn't that he made his children happy. Or that he provided for them or gave them a good life. The only thing that matters for him is that he lived a holy life. I've come far enough in my walk with Christ to say that I strive to choose holiness. Struggle as I may, I understand the true meaning of life so even when it's hard, I strive to choose holiness in the end. But this "holiness over happiness" concept becomes a whole new ballgame when it comes to my son. What if he comes to me one day, miserable, in say his marriage? What if he says those dreaded words, "I'm not happy." What if he says he can't make it for 50 years and that he made a mistake? You see, I can endure hardships. I would take my son's pain all the days of my life. But telling God that my child is off limits, that his happiness trumps holiness, does him and myself a great disservice. I mean, doesn't this sound familiar? Did this ""holiness versus happiness"" choice not confront Jesus in the Garden? He prayed to His Daddy to take his cup of suffering, yet at the end of His prayers what was that He said? ""Not My will but Yours be done." How do you think God The Father felt as He heard the gut wrenching cries of His One and Only Son. Yet in His prayers, God empowered Jesus to say, "not my will but yours be done." Wow. That I could be so bold, so eternally minded, for my child. God knew the weight of what Christ was asking. And He knows the weight of what we are asking. For ourselves and for our children. We do ourselves and our children great great great harm when we try to short circuit what God intends for glory. 1 Peter 3:21, "For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that we should follow His steps." I've chosen holiness too many times to ignore the fact that it ALWAYS leads to long-term happiness. And that choosing temporary happiness always leads to sorrow. I've got to make holiness consistent in my life. It's too important, especially when it comes to my beloved son. I don't care if he's unhappy in the moment. It's my job to point him to glory. If God could point His Own Son to glory then who do I think I am not doing the same? Because you better believe that when I'm standing face to face with My King, I will not regret choosing holiness for myself and my loved ones. And when my son is standing at my grave, I pray that he says, "She chose holiness."

Endure

I've been watching The Bible on The History Channel and last night's episode showed Christ’s Crucifixion. Maybe it’s because I’m older or more motherly but watching Jesus die gutted me to the core. It physically hurt me. And this may sound sick, but I think I should watch it everyday. Like it totally puts my petty little problems into perspective. While watching, I noticed something that I’ve never noticed before. When Jesus was forced to carry the cross, it occurred to me that he didn't just lift the cross and walk with it.... he embraced it. Whenever he dropped it, he’d go right back to it and hug it. I swear I even saw him kiss it at one point, but that could be Hollywood. Since watching Christ die, one word has been ringing louder and louder in my ear. The word "endure". I googled the definition and it means, "to suffer patiently. To tolerate someone or something." So here's my question: what current issue has God placed before us that we’re refusing to endure? What areas of life are we refusing to suffer patiently in? I’m claustrophobic. I hate elevators, airplanes, all those scary, enclosed spaces. I basically can't stand smothering of any kind. Physically. Emotionally. You name it. So my first, natural reaction when anything gets too hard or uncomfortable is to get the heck out of dodge. And unfortunately, we live in a day and age that welcomes such faulty thinking. Hate your body? Take a pill. Have surgery. God forbid you endure a diet. Unhappy in your marriage? Leave. Find someone new. Hate your job? Quit. File unemployment. Our world knows nothing of endurance. I know nothing of endurance! I still get surprised when something bad happens to me. And as much as I hate to admit it, I still have a part of me that feels entitled to a cush life. James 1 says to consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials. It  doesn’t say “if” you face trials. It says, “when” you face trials. 1 Peter 4:12, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.”  The Bible is soaked with verses on suffering, but here’s my food for thought. If God allowed His Beloved and Only Son to suffer, for His glory, why do we think He wouldn’t also allow us to suffer? Are we so pompous that we feel beneath suffering? I still have days where I so badly want to stay in my little box. Where I don't want to get out of the boat, as Peter did, and walk on water to Jesus. How is this enduring my cross? If all of life is for the glory of God, how can I not welcome suffering? Embrace it. Kiss it? Romans 8:18, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” On the walk to Golgotha, Christ got it. He understood that this was all for God’s glory so he endured. He hugged His cross and carried it to glory. What, in all of life, could be harder than that?

Our epidemic

This world is evil. Sneakily, scarily evil. And had a few things not been revealed to me in recent weeks, I may have continued to keep my big toe in it. Thankfully, God brought me to Romans 1, where I read about God's wrath against mankind. Verse 18: "The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them."

I'm not talking to atheists or non-Christians here. I believe with my entire being that we can't win anyone to Christ by judging or calling out their sin. We can only win them to Jesus with love. What I'm talking about here is men who "suppress the truth." Because we Christians, we the church, suppress the truth everyday. I suppress the truth everyday. Christians have joined the world! Paul warned us to be in the world, not of the world, but in our great fear of offending someone, we've glazed over some serious issues. We tell ourselves God's biggest commandment is love and somehow we think that translates as remaining silent. Well, of course our greatest commandment is to love, but Paul is very clear that Christians should call out other Christians living in sin. That's not judgment. That's Biblical. And that, my friends, is love. If I'm walking in darkness, you better be VERY sure I want to be called out of my pit. Love is calling me out of my pit, even when I'm so far in it that I've twisted the Bible to say what I want it to say.

Verse 21: "For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." We Christians are now part of an epidemic, and I dare to say that many Christians aren't living by the Bible. A very clear, black and white book has become gray. Sin is being condoned and glossed over in churches. Rick Warren said, "Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that is you disagree with someone's lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." Did you hear that? "You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate." Love is the greatest commandment, but last time I checked, love isn't allowing a brother down a path of destruction. Love isn't condoning habitual sin for fear of not being politically correct.

In Matthew 10:34, Jesus says, "Do not suppose that I came to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword." I'm no Biblical scholar, but I can tell you that a sword divides. I'm not saying we should draw lines in the sand. I'm saying we should love. Oh my goodness, we should love the mess out of each other, but we have to be different. We're not different. I'm not different. Christ was different, yet He exuded love beyond measure.

I'm heart broken this morning, as I think of the world in which I'll be raising my son. I'm ill as I think about all the missed opportunities, where I could have been different. Where I cowered for fear that I may be called judgmental. This has got to stop. We have got to speak up in our churches, in our homes, and in our communities. This isn't happening, and until it does, more and more Christians will fall ill in this epidemic.

Goodbye to Cush

So I kinda thought I'd get away with having a cush life. I mean, my life is far from perfect. I have as many problems as the next gal, but I have made a point to distance myself from difficult situations and especially difficult people. You see, I'm the Queen of boundaries. In my early years, I was the world's biggest pushover so learning healthy boundaries was a huge step for a bleeding heart like myself. But over time, as more responsibility and demands were put on me, I made a point to distance myself from chaos. And God let me get away with it for a while. But He loves me too much to let me stay cozy. As of late, He's decided it's time to get working....On me, that is. One thing I'm learning about people is that you can't change them. This may sound so simple to most people, but it's a very hard concept for a Type A, Control Freak like myself to swallow. My Daddy reminded me the other day that it isn't me that should be molding people to my image. And OMG did that make me realize how arrogant I am. The more I let his words sink in, the more I realized that maybe difficult people were part of MY molding process. When I say difficult people, I don't mean there's anything wrong with them. I'm talking about people who challenge me. People who are different than me. Patience pushers. Heck, I'm probably someone's difficult person! I still believe in healthy boundaries. But God's been teaching me that while physical boundaries are absolutely appropriate, there are NO...I repeat...NO boundaries with love and grace. This is where my cush life became uncomfy. As I reflect on God's word, I realize that Jesus loved the unlovely. He surrounded Himself with the hard to love.  He didn't try to change anyone with intimidating Scripture and intimidation. He showered them with love and grace. He didn't live a cush life....why? Because He had One purpose. And my choosing to follow Christ means I have one purpose as well. So long cush...hello glory!

THE MOUTH

One of the hardest things about being a Mommy is shaping up! And I'm not talking about chiseling my now flabby stomach....I'm talking about whiting out those gray areas in my life.. eliminating those areas that I've allowed to go lax. After all, how can I teach my son godliness if I'm not striving to live that way in every area of my life? As I plunge further into my James Bible Study (a la Beth Moore), I have a new conviction of my mouth. You see, my mouth is big. Huge. Gi-normous. They say that your skin is your biggest organ....well, my mouth is my biggest organ! It's truly my biggest gift and my biggest curse. And the book of James reminds me just how evil it can be. I've always known not to talk bad about people. I've never been one to be two-faced or to spread rumors with malicious intent. But I am a nosy person. I love a good tabloid magazine and being the first to know "news." And how guilty am I of "venting" and saying things I'd "say to their face." Can we say rationalization? These things make me no different then two-faced, malicious, gossips! This all hit home recently when I found out someone was talking about me. They weren't saying awful things about my character. They were speaking about my life, saying things they knew nothing about. And as much as I tell myself I don't care what people thing about me, it bothered me. I mean, who are they to speak about my life? I'll say it again with a different perspective....WHO AM I TO SPEAK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE? A friend of mine posted an acronym on her Facebook page that is truth to live by. She said to THINK. Before speaking, I need to ponder if what I say is:
 T-truthful, H-helpful, I-inspiring, N-necessary, K-kind. Wow. I would do my best not to ever talk again! But in all seriousness, how can I teach my son to act like Jesus if he hears his Mama gossiping on her cell phone all day? This may sound pretty dramatic, but Satan has his claws in gossips. They spread so much evil and are the source of nothing but bad. They break up churches, friendships, marriages. And as fun as it is to be in the know about everything (because I tend to be THAT nosy), it's time to grow up. To godly up! So I rest in this....Jesus was perfect in every way and you never once see Him in Scripture trying to defend himself. He never felt the need to explain His character. Why? Because He knew who He was. You never once saw Jesus "venting" to the disciples or "saying things He would say to other people's faces." Why? Because He wasn't insecure. He had no need to be "in the know" of everyone else's life. He had one purpose on this earth and didn't have time to listen, defend or take part in any gossip of any kind. You see, I don't want Satan to have his claws in me, using me to spread evil. I don't want to reek of insecurity and waste time trying to explain myself to other people. I don't want to waste time talking about others and pretending like I know something I know zilch about, I want to leave behind the fragrance of Christ. And I want to raise my son to be like Jesus.

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Our Scare

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been adjusting to my new life as a Mommy. And I love my life as Benjamin's Mommy. It's such an answered prayer that God has allowed me to stay home with him every day. And I'm grateful for every moment. I'm trying so hard not to hold on too tight, reminding myself everyday that Benjamin is God's child, that He has entrusted me to raise him while on earth, but ultimately he is His. Case in point... A few days ago Benjamin started vomiting. He vomited to the point of becoming lethargic. I'm a new Mom and have never seen a lethargic child, so this scared the pants off my already neurotic self. My first response was, "We have to call my Mom and get to the ER!" Andrew asked me the reason for calling my Mom, and I realized that this was my first instinct-to call for my Mommy. Then reality sunk in and it became clear that OMG, I am the Mom! I can't say I wasn't freaked. I have no medical background, so when my child's eyes rolled in the back of his head and he wouldn't wake to his name, I freaked. I even had to unbuckle his car seat while driving so he wouldn't choke on his throw up. I kept screaming, "Oh my gosh!" Andrew kept saying, "Stop saying 'Oh my gosh' because I don't know if 'Oh my gosh' is go to the fire station he isn't breathing or keep driving to the ER." Finally my husband slapped me in the face (with words, not abuse) and said, "Get it together, you are the Mom!" Normally, I call my Doctor Daddy in a medical crises (and this time was no different) but I realized how off my priorities were in this situation, calling for my Mom and Dad to fix this. I needed a doctor alright, but not Dr. Huff. I needed The Great Physician. And that's what I did. After I got it together, I started praying over my son in the car. At one point I heard an ER nurse say to another, "He's dying." My heart sunk to my toes and I lost all feeling. Obviously I know now that he was talking about another patient, but I think God had me hear that on purpose. He wanted to remind me that He is in charge of His child Benjamin. That He loves Him more than I could ever love Him. He reminded me that while I physically have my hands on him, He has a firmer grasp on that child than I'll ever know! My sweet boy had the full work-up. Brain and belly scans. Ultrasounds, even a swallow test. Turns out, Benjamin had a bug. The doctor came in and told me that we are just seeing the beginning. That diarrhea will start and he will be one sick child, but I wasn't scared anymore. I had everyone praying that he never gets diarrhea and guess what....he never did! After 2 days of IV fluids, we are home and my baby boy is back to his sweet self...laughing and playing as if nothing happened. What a scare this was, but how I needed it to give me a swift kick in the butt!

17 Days

I've been a mom for 17 days, and I have to say that it's been the best 17 days of my life. Don't get me wrong. Life 'aint perfect or easy for that matter. For not being busy, I sure am busy! I look like dog poo just about every day. I am totally sleep deprived. No longer pregnant, I'm just chubby. The romance in my marriage has been put on hold, as there is now a child sleeping in my room and well, I wear the dorkiest looking nursing bras ever! I have been peed, pooped, and spit up on. I'm an emotional mess. But at the same time, I'm more fulfilled and happy than I've ever been in my entire life. Benjamin has taught me so much already. My life is truly no longer my own. I now wear the lens of a mother. I never understood how my Mom could give up so much for me. Her time, money, the shirt of her back, but it all makes sense now. I now have this needy, little human that depends on me for everything. Me....the girl who still depends so much on her mommy! Just the other day, Benjamin started couching and I screamed for her, even though she was in Tennessee! Being a mom has shown me the way I am to Christ. I'm His needy, little human who can do nothing apart from Him. God knows I've tried! My cries hurt Him. He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. I've had a lot of down time, being as I'm a milking machine, so I've had precious moments to sit and reflect. Daily, I look into my son's beaultiful baby blues and pray for his salvation, that God will claim Him. And know Him. That He will strengthen Andrew and me to make the best decisions we can for him. But it's not all serious around the Dafferner house. This little guy must think I'm a nut job. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm never going to be the mom that has it together. I'm not Mrs. PTA. But I can promise you that Benjamin will have a mother who adores the mess out of him. A mama he will know hits her knees in prayer for him daily. 17 days...I know each day is a blessing. That I'm not promised tomorrow with him. That Benjamin belongs to Jesus. My son is a gift. A blessing. A loaner, as He is God's child. I'm just the woman blessed to have had 17 precious days with him.