THE MOUTH

One of the hardest things about being a Mommy is shaping up! And I'm not talking about chiseling my now flabby stomach....I'm talking about whiting out those gray areas in my life.. eliminating those areas that I've allowed to go lax. After all, how can I teach my son godliness if I'm not striving to live that way in every area of my life? As I plunge further into my James Bible Study (a la Beth Moore), I have a new conviction of my mouth. You see, my mouth is big. Huge. Gi-normous. They say that your skin is your biggest organ....well, my mouth is my biggest organ! It's truly my biggest gift and my biggest curse. And the book of James reminds me just how evil it can be. I've always known not to talk bad about people. I've never been one to be two-faced or to spread rumors with malicious intent. But I am a nosy person. I love a good tabloid magazine and being the first to know "news." And how guilty am I of "venting" and saying things I'd "say to their face." Can we say rationalization? These things make me no different then two-faced, malicious, gossips! This all hit home recently when I found out someone was talking about me. They weren't saying awful things about my character. They were speaking about my life, saying things they knew nothing about. And as much as I tell myself I don't care what people thing about me, it bothered me. I mean, who are they to speak about my life? I'll say it again with a different perspective....WHO AM I TO SPEAK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE? A friend of mine posted an acronym on her Facebook page that is truth to live by. She said to THINK. Before speaking, I need to ponder if what I say is:
 T-truthful, H-helpful, I-inspiring, N-necessary, K-kind. Wow. I would do my best not to ever talk again! But in all seriousness, how can I teach my son to act like Jesus if he hears his Mama gossiping on her cell phone all day? This may sound pretty dramatic, but Satan has his claws in gossips. They spread so much evil and are the source of nothing but bad. They break up churches, friendships, marriages. And as fun as it is to be in the know about everything (because I tend to be THAT nosy), it's time to grow up. To godly up! So I rest in this....Jesus was perfect in every way and you never once see Him in Scripture trying to defend himself. He never felt the need to explain His character. Why? Because He knew who He was. You never once saw Jesus "venting" to the disciples or "saying things He would say to other people's faces." Why? Because He wasn't insecure. He had no need to be "in the know" of everyone else's life. He had one purpose on this earth and didn't have time to listen, defend or take part in any gossip of any kind. You see, I don't want Satan to have his claws in me, using me to spread evil. I don't want to reek of insecurity and waste time trying to explain myself to other people. I don't want to waste time talking about others and pretending like I know something I know zilch about, I want to leave behind the fragrance of Christ. And I want to raise my son to be like Jesus.

Proverbs 16:28 A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Our Scare

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been adjusting to my new life as a Mommy. And I love my life as Benjamin's Mommy. It's such an answered prayer that God has allowed me to stay home with him every day. And I'm grateful for every moment. I'm trying so hard not to hold on too tight, reminding myself everyday that Benjamin is God's child, that He has entrusted me to raise him while on earth, but ultimately he is His. Case in point... A few days ago Benjamin started vomiting. He vomited to the point of becoming lethargic. I'm a new Mom and have never seen a lethargic child, so this scared the pants off my already neurotic self. My first response was, "We have to call my Mom and get to the ER!" Andrew asked me the reason for calling my Mom, and I realized that this was my first instinct-to call for my Mommy. Then reality sunk in and it became clear that OMG, I am the Mom! I can't say I wasn't freaked. I have no medical background, so when my child's eyes rolled in the back of his head and he wouldn't wake to his name, I freaked. I even had to unbuckle his car seat while driving so he wouldn't choke on his throw up. I kept screaming, "Oh my gosh!" Andrew kept saying, "Stop saying 'Oh my gosh' because I don't know if 'Oh my gosh' is go to the fire station he isn't breathing or keep driving to the ER." Finally my husband slapped me in the face (with words, not abuse) and said, "Get it together, you are the Mom!" Normally, I call my Doctor Daddy in a medical crises (and this time was no different) but I realized how off my priorities were in this situation, calling for my Mom and Dad to fix this. I needed a doctor alright, but not Dr. Huff. I needed The Great Physician. And that's what I did. After I got it together, I started praying over my son in the car. At one point I heard an ER nurse say to another, "He's dying." My heart sunk to my toes and I lost all feeling. Obviously I know now that he was talking about another patient, but I think God had me hear that on purpose. He wanted to remind me that He is in charge of His child Benjamin. That He loves Him more than I could ever love Him. He reminded me that while I physically have my hands on him, He has a firmer grasp on that child than I'll ever know! My sweet boy had the full work-up. Brain and belly scans. Ultrasounds, even a swallow test. Turns out, Benjamin had a bug. The doctor came in and told me that we are just seeing the beginning. That diarrhea will start and he will be one sick child, but I wasn't scared anymore. I had everyone praying that he never gets diarrhea and guess what....he never did! After 2 days of IV fluids, we are home and my baby boy is back to his sweet self...laughing and playing as if nothing happened. What a scare this was, but how I needed it to give me a swift kick in the butt!

17 Days

I've been a mom for 17 days, and I have to say that it's been the best 17 days of my life. Don't get me wrong. Life 'aint perfect or easy for that matter. For not being busy, I sure am busy! I look like dog poo just about every day. I am totally sleep deprived. No longer pregnant, I'm just chubby. The romance in my marriage has been put on hold, as there is now a child sleeping in my room and well, I wear the dorkiest looking nursing bras ever! I have been peed, pooped, and spit up on. I'm an emotional mess. But at the same time, I'm more fulfilled and happy than I've ever been in my entire life. Benjamin has taught me so much already. My life is truly no longer my own. I now wear the lens of a mother. I never understood how my Mom could give up so much for me. Her time, money, the shirt of her back, but it all makes sense now. I now have this needy, little human that depends on me for everything. Me....the girl who still depends so much on her mommy! Just the other day, Benjamin started couching and I screamed for her, even though she was in Tennessee! Being a mom has shown me the way I am to Christ. I'm His needy, little human who can do nothing apart from Him. God knows I've tried! My cries hurt Him. He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. I've had a lot of down time, being as I'm a milking machine, so I've had precious moments to sit and reflect. Daily, I look into my son's beaultiful baby blues and pray for his salvation, that God will claim Him. And know Him. That He will strengthen Andrew and me to make the best decisions we can for him. But it's not all serious around the Dafferner house. This little guy must think I'm a nut job. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm never going to be the mom that has it together. I'm not Mrs. PTA. But I can promise you that Benjamin will have a mother who adores the mess out of him. A mama he will know hits her knees in prayer for him daily. 17 days...I know each day is a blessing. That I'm not promised tomorrow with him. That Benjamin belongs to Jesus. My son is a gift. A blessing. A loaner, as He is God's child. I'm just the woman blessed to have had 17 precious days with him.

Benjamin's Birth

Boy did God give me an easy delivery! I'm not the calm, breathe through the pain kind-of-girl. I literally have a racing heart every time I get on an elevator. I'm neurotic. A fatalist. Every ache in my body is "probably cancer." I'm getting better, but I'm still what they call a hypochondriac. An annoying patient. Towards the end of pregnancy, it got real that this baby was coming out, so I started praying for a fast and drama-free delivery. I'm not gonna lie. The whole giving birth thing is a bit barbaric to me. I watched one YouTube birth video and was done. I told my doctor I was having second thoughts, but he assured me it was too late. The baby had to come out. I pumped myself up by saying weanies, crazies, teenagers, they all have babies! I can do this! I mean, Mary Mother of Jesus was 14 and birthed our King in a stable....with no drugs! My sister- in-law reminded me of something just before I went in to deliver Benjamin. She apologized for always telling me not to be afraid. She simply told me to, "Do it afraid." Then I realized what a waste all my worry was. I didn't want my fear to rob me of the joy of this miracle. We checked in to the hospital at like 1 am on Saturday morning and started the induction process. Upon my water breaking at lunchtime, I birthed my baby boy 3.5 hours later! Thank you Jesus! My biggest fear in the whole process was the epidural, even though people assured me I would be begging for it. They all said contractions hurt so bad that pain will trump fear. And they were right. Once the intense contractions came on, I put on my David Crowder music and went to my happy place. This worked for maybe an hour before I was ready for a sledge hammer to my head. I told my Mom that I really didn't care if I died at this point (they could get my baby boy out safely without me) so get this dude in here! Praise Jesus my Doctor Daddy was there to observe him shove a needle in my back. From that moment on the process was smooth sailing. One minute I'm talking to my family, the next minute I told the nurse I felt pressure. The nurse decided to check me and she was like, "Uh, I feel his head. Don't push. I'm calling the MD." Some of the family cleared out at this point, but I was feeling so good that I even asked a student to stay and observe. (Hey, I support medical professionals in training!) My Mom grabbed a leg and instantly started crying. My mother-in-law had the other leg and my sweet husband was by my side. My sister Lisa was also there. It really was a beautiful, family event. The MD came in all breathless and the entire room pushed with me, seeing as I wasn't catching on to the concept. I told them to stop pushing with me before they pooped in their pants! 7 minutes later, my baby boy was born. It's crazy, the immediate rush of love I had for this tiny human being. And it's a love I've never felt before. I love my husband more than life itself, but that love that has built over time. The love I have for this angel was instant and at 2:45 pm on September 3, 2011 my life changed. I no longer live for me. I would give this little one the beating heart out of my chest. I am so blessed. God gave me so much peace throughout everything. So much courage. I turned into something I'm not! And every minute of the day I fall more in love with Jesus. I need Him more than ever, as Benjamin is His child. I just have the pleasure of raising Him on earth. Just after he was born, I looked down at Benjamin and said to my Mom, "How did God give up His Son?" It's unfathomable to me.