Pressing On

When I found out I was having another boy, I got in the car and cried. I wasn't crying because I wanted a girl. I LOVE boys, but I cried because a boy feels like I a replacement brother for Benjamin. I know that losing him was never my choice. That had it been, I would have chosen differently. But it feels weird to talk to Benjamin about his little brother....again. What if he loses another brother? What if I look down at this boy and see Henry's sweet face? I also cried because I feel like I'm not giving this one a chance. It's not his fault he lost his brother. And does loving this little guy so much mean that I'm glad Henry died so I could have him?

Since becoming pregnant, the grief of losing Henry has been unbearable. I put on a good face, but every time I talk about it, I feel guilt. And sadness. Don't get me wrong. I prayed fervently for a child after I lost Henry. I prayed for the gender. I prayed for every aspect of his being, and I love this little boy with my whole heart. But the fact remains that he is in my belly because Henry died. 

Sometimes, when things get overwhelming, I'm tempted to throw in the towel to this whole faith thing. I realize I can't not be a Christian anymore, but sometimes I'm tempted to put God at a distance and just go about life without Him. But when I think this through I just can't. I can't because if I were to write God out of Henry's story all it will have been is a tragedy. A sad tale. Another bad thing that happened to a good person. And Henry is worth so much more than that. I may have days where I'm angry with God. Or sad. Or confused. Or unsure about His hand in all this, but when I'm seeking Him through my pain, it gives Henry's life and death meaning. It may not give me a full explanation, but it gives me hope. And without God there is no hope or redemption in all of this. Just sadness. 

I'm definitely not a stoic Paul. Or a sweet prayer warrior like Hannah. Or even remotely like Jesus. In fact, some days I hang on selfishly because I want God to redeem all this. But I do know that there is meaning to all the madness. And to give up now would have made none of this worth it. So...I press on (hesitantly) toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

Phil 3:14

A dear friend of my mother's who lost her child was told by God that her son's face is the second she will see when she meets Jesus. Oh I can't even imagine the joy of that day. But until then, I press on.