Henry

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. And before you were born I consecrated you.

I knew something was wrong from the moment our Henry was conceived. I chalked it up as my usual neurosis, but something kept preparing me. Something kept me praying more than usual, fearing more than usual. When I started to bleed, I knew he was gone. When I say I felt prepared, I was preparing myself for a special needs child. A child with a few complications. A difficult birth experience perhaps, but only My Lord and Savior could have held me tight as the doctor frantically searched for a heart beat. Less than 24 hours from that still, quiet ultrasound, I gave birth to my sweet, precious, 2^nd son Henry Carlton Dafferner.

Having a baby is such a joyous time, so full of excitement. Packing a hospital bag, waiting for your mother to arrive, being led into a somber hospital room where you know the pain has just begun is beyond brutal. When we got there, I asked for one last ultrasound. Maybe I didn’t have enough faith. I didn’t ask enough of Him. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. Christ rose from the dead for heaven’s sake! Maybe if I boldly called upon The Great Physician, He would perform a miracle. I pleaded with God. I told Him I would give Him all the glory. That such a miracle would change so many lives. But God had other plans. My entire body was shaking as they prepped me. I was beyond scared. The pain of what was about to happen, the danger of what they were doing; it terrified me to the core. My Mom was there. My husband. The doctor, but no one held my fate in their hands. No one but My Sovereign God. I stayed up the entire night praying and the process, while gruesome, bloody and heart wrenching, went beautifully. 

When I first saw my son, I lost it. I held that precious, lifeless boy and felt so many things. Anger. Anger because God could have stopped it. He didn’t have to allow any of this to happen. Sadness. Sadness because no matter what anyone says, what anyone does, where I go, Henry is gone. This little boy who kicked and played in my womb is gone. Mad. Mad that it had to happen to me. Call me selfish, but I would wish this on someone beside myself. If God gave me the choice of Henry or one person changing for the better, I’d choose Henry. Every time. But that’s why I didn’t get the choice. I don’t know what’s best for me. For the Kingdom. I know only of my pain. My heartache. My love as Henry’s mother. I don’t know how God did it. I get that He’s God and perfect, but I don’t care how perfect you are, to give up your own Son is the ultimate act of grace.  And if God had changed His mind, like I so begged Him to with my son, Henry wouldn’t be singing glory with the angels right now. He’d be in hell, like the rest of us. I believe worship is a choice. It’s easy to jump up and down and lift your hands in praise when things are good, but how about when you are offended? When God’s perfect plan is offensive. My heart aches beyond words, but my hands are lifting sweet Henry to God, willing but not able. This entire journey has been just that-willing but not able. I so badly wanted this cup to be taken from me, but I was willing to endure what was asked. He made me able.

I know that this is just the beginning.  Christmas. Birthdays. It’s gonna be brutal. And I want to be angry and stay there. To climb in a hole and never get out. But I can’t. Anger. Tears. People.  They can’t pull me out of my hell. Only my Savior can renew my wounded spirit.  And I need Him to pull me out of my hell.  When I kissed Henry’s cold head, I was weak, but He was strong. When they took Henry away for the very last time, His grace was sufficient for me.  I can’t begin to understand the “why” of all this. I actually don’t think I’m capable of understanding it. Like I said, I’m so selfish I’d choose Henry every time if given the choice. But God loved me enough to pry my little fingers away from what was never mine. Because He knew. He knew then and He knows now. And as gut wrenching, offensive and awful as this is, I willingly raise my hands to heaven and worship My King. 

Henry’s Life Verse:

Colossians 2:6-7

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness.