Six Years...

Six years of marriage…Most people would tell me “Congratulations” and go on their merry, little way, but anyone brave enough to admit that they have really struggled in their marriage knows that every year, every day, is an accomplishment. My marriage has been my Everest. It has been THE biggest challenge in my life. My proudest accomplishment, too. It trumps writing a book, running a marathon, even raising 2 beautiful boys. And I hate to say this, but there have been moments when it has been as hard as losing a child. I’m not saying this to be a Debbie Downer. In fact, I’m saying this to encourage those out there who want to quit. Who aren’t “happy.” Who don’t think their marriage can change. Who feel that their marriage will always (for lack of a better word) suck. I am living proof that it can change. That people can change. That I can change. That your spouse can change. And that God can redeem the coldest, most wretched situation. I know that because He redeemed mine.

I am THE most stubborn human being alive. I am also pretty entitled and very selfish. I have lofty expectations of everyone close to me, even more so for myself. This trait immediately set my husband up to fail. When my husband and I were first married, we really struggled, but I thought that was normal. I mean, two selfish sinners under the same roof breeds challenges, right? Not to mention the fact that my husband and I both have Alpha personalities. It was hard, but then it got worse. And rather than praying about it and allowing God to work, more specifically work on me, I let it infect my heart. My expectations were not being met so I bought into the world’s view that I deserved to be happy. My husband was this and not that. So and So’s husband was doing this with his family and so and so doesn’t do that. Blah blah blah. I believe my husband would be the first to admit that he definitely had work to do, but it was me that was growing cold and complacent. I’m not going to hash the details because I believe these things to be private, but when I finally started praying more and filtering every concern through the Lord, change began. My frigid heart began to melt. Over time, and after a lot of mistakes, God has given me a new love for my husband. The giddy, “Baby, you are so hot,” kind of love! Seriously, just the other day I made him pose for a picture because he looked so smokin’ hot that I wanted to savor that image! If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

I know so many people who are struggling in their marriage. They are married to selfish people that act like frat boys, spend too much money, watch too much football, work too much, hunt or golf too much, criticize, etc. etc. My marriage has its’ own set of issues, but all my biggest issues boiled down to this: it was all about me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s excruciatingly hard when you don’t feel “seen” by the one you pledged your life to. Or when you look at Facebook and imagine other people’s lives and husbands to be perfect while yours is not what you had hoped. Or if you are really honest with yourself, deserved. I also know the fear we have as mamas that our children may see dysfunction because our husbands may be acting like an idiot or just plain not filling our needs. (Didn’t we all swear we would be different than our parents or that we would be Allie and Noah from The Notebook.) Truth is, until I got over myself, I was paralyzed by my own expectations. By my entitlement. My husband had no chance because of my “What’s In It For Me” attitude. I get that marriage can be hard. I seriously wanted to be divorced the first few years of my marriage. And I understand that I am blessed that my spouse refused to give up on me and is changing every day, as am I. But we have to get over ourselves. Everybody assumes that their situation is different, but the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter what he is or isn’t doing. Unless it is harmful or dangerous, it can be fixed. I know firsthand that God can change anyone. He can redeem any and every situation. He has changed the entire dynamics of my marriage. He has grown in my husband’s life. He has taught this entitled, kinda feminist, selfish woman to love and cleave to her man. (As a side note, I have to say that I believe there are Biblical reasons to divorce, and if there is a situation you are unsure about, Biblical counsel from a trusted pastor should be sought out first.) But in no way is being unhappy or your husband hurting your feelings or being selfish a Biblical reason to divorce. That is a lie and perhaps why the divorce rate is so high. It’s why my marriage struggled so much in the beginning.

I have a tendency to surround myself with people who don’t challenge me. I mean, who doesn’t want to be pat on the back and told “poor, pitiful you?” While most days this isn’t an issue, this is the most crippling kind of friend regarding your marriage. Surrounding myself with people who agree with me and tell me to leave my husband because I’m not happy or because he will never change is straight from Satan. PRAISE GOD FOR GODLY FRIENDS! I have been blessed with a mother who consistently called me out on my “Holier Than Thou” Attitude that thought my marital woes couldn’t possibly be me. Having a person like her is a gift from God’s hands and is integral in my life, especially my marriage. She called me on my junk, still does, by pointing me to Jesus. Someone who reminds you, in love, that you took a vow, that nothing is impossible for God, and that divorce of any kind (emotional or physical) is detrimental to yourself and your children was the best thing that I could have heard. Though it was hard to hear and definitely not pretty, it triggered the love I already had for The Lord and motivated me to change….and pray. This is precisely why the Bible talks about iron sharpening iron. We are to encourage one another in holiness. Not happiness. While I wanted to slap my Mama upside the head for challenging me when I was upset, I could not be more thankful that she pushed me to holiness, more specifically, pushed me to my husband. I owe her my life for that. She knew that my joy outweighed my momentary happiness. Oh, how everyone needs that kind of friend. Had she told me that she just wants me happy, I would have left Andrew for some stupid reason. There would be no Henry. No Samuel. And Benjamin would be another statistic. Praise GOD I dodged that bullet.

We live in a world that’s all about being happy. YOLO. Do it now. Instant gratification. That’s why we are fat. That’s why we are in debt. That’s why we are impatient. And I have totally bought into it. I am a glutton for the instant gratification life has to offer. I barely know what hard work looks like. But let’s be honest, the best things in life are achieved through hard work. And marriage is no different. If I were to have left my husband when things weren’t like a Hallmark movie, I would have probably married another Yahoo with a new set of problems. What a fool I would have been. I would have thrown so much away because of my own selfishness. I am in no way saying to get used to mediocrity. To read your Bible all day and hide behind God. Absolutely not! I am saying to fight for your marriage. At first, I didn’t want to but God used the love I had for my child and for Him to get motivated. I’m not saying to stay in a marriage for kids, but in allowing God to use children and faith as a reason to want to work on things, the love for your spouse will come in due time. I am not a natural optimist. Seriously, I hate to admit this but I lean toward the negative side of things, but I am optimistic about things that I have witnessed firsthand. And that is this: Not only can God save your marriage, but He can renew it and make it better. He can thaw the coldest of hearts (mine) and change you and your spouse for the better.

I, by no means, have the good wife thing down. In fact, just last week on the way into church, I was mad at my husband and said something I knew would hurt him. Not make him mad, but hurt him. The old spouse of mine would have fired back. A fight would have occurred and we would have spent the entire day mad and jabbing at each other. Well, my sweet husband told me it hurt him and even asked that we start over so that we didn’t end up in a toxic cycle. He proceeded to take me to lunch. Not golf with his buddies to escape my attitude but spend time with the family. He knew I needed that. Anyone that knows my husband and where my marriage has been knows that that is a miracle in itself. I am not proud of my bad mouth, but I am proud to have witnessed yet another gift of grace from the Lord.
 

Marriage is a blessing. It’s a hard, beautiful, messy, rewarding journey. It sanctifies us. It has and is changing me. This is why I am so passionate about fighting for it….and about tapping into The Lord’s desire for my marriage to make it and letting Satan know he can’t have it. Because I have been there, I have to say this one more time. It’s not about you or me. Of course I challenge my husband and call him out when he is acting a fool. And so should you! But to leave him and force my kids to grow up without both parents in their home all because I have the warped idea that marriage should be like a romantic comedy is not only absurd but THE most selfish thing any mother could ever do. To love your children, to love Jesus, to truly be walking with Him means fighting for your marriage. Boundaries and counseling, even a trial separation may be needed based on circumstances, but there is hope. These last 6 years have been hard, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I have witnessed Him part The Red Sea and do THE IMPOSSIBLE. I couldn’t be more proud to be married to my man, and I am so happy to let The Lord change me and mold my husband and me into His likeness...not mine.

 

Comparison

I recently took a break from Facebook. While I enjoy keeping up with people, especially family and old friends, it was ruining my self-esteem, my marriage, and relationship with God. It was creating in me a false sense of what life should be like. I’m not some freak that thinks social media is evil in itself. It can actually be a great ministry tool, and it has been for me in the past. But lately, it has been a band aid to a deeper problem. Some people don’t have this problem. In fact, I asked my husband the other day how he can look at Facebook every day and not get annoyed or envious. He looked at me as if I had a third eye because this has never even hit his radar.

So what’s my problem? Comparison. When I lost Henry, I logged into Facebook and saw healthy babies and sweet pregnant bellies all over my feed. When I got in a recent fight with my husband, I saw a dozen posts about perfect husbands and romantic dates. and spontaneous trips. When I lost 35 of the 45 pounds I gained with Samuel, I saw multiple bikini posts and “I’m back in my skinny jeans 6 weeks after giving birth.” When I recently hung a new painting I adore, I saw multiple friends’ elaborately decorated million dollar homes. While I am happy for others and the ways in which God has blessed them, these posts allowed me to question why I was still chubby, why my marriage struggled, why I lost a son, and so on and so on. They made me angry with God. Why did He take Henry when He blessed her with a child after she had an abortion in college? I was walking with Him so closely, praying, and bam my son was gone! Why does she get a third healthy child when she doesn’t even pray for her children? Not only is it petty and judgmental on my part because God is writing their story as well as mine, but this is a dangerous train of thought that leads straight to alienation from the Lord and depression. And Satan LOVES it. In fact, I can hear his whispers, “Serving God leads to pain. Look at so and so…She has a perfect life and yours sucks. Her husband adores her and yours can't wait to leave for work every morning. Why do you even pray if God does what He wants anyway?” Like I said, Facebook is not a problem for everyone, but for where I was, it served as a platform for way deeper issues in me. It created a false sense of what life should be and what I so selfishly "deserved" when in fact mine is exactly the one God chose for me.

Then there are the posts about marriage. These are actually laughable when I think about it because I know no marriage is perfect. In fact, most are hard, but my stars, if you get me on the right day Facebook is plain depressing in this arena. If I see one more post about someone’s soap opera man of a husband who works all day and comes home with flowers and chocolate to cook, clean, and romance their wife, I may lose it. It sounds funny to write because I know that social media is only a highlight reel. No one posts that their husband forgets to flush the toilet or drinks too much or had an affair. Everyone struggles in their own way. Everyone has problems, whether they choose to see them or not, but on those lonely days, days where you haven’t left the house and your kids are acting a fool, you drink the Facebook Koolaid. Why doesn’t my husband buy me a nicer home? In fact, why doesn’t he make more money or read The Bible more with the kids? Why doesn’t he take me to The Caribbean? And oh, he could do the same thing to me. He could wonder why I have so much cellulite and his friend's wife is a size 2? Or why I'm always in yoga pants when so and so’s wife is always put together? To be honest, these thoughts never would have occurred to me had I not logged onto Facebook. Not that I blame Facebook for my critical, unsatisfied heart. The problem isn’t Facebook or Instagram. The problem is me.

I have endured a lot of pain and heart ache in the past year. And I am a messy, sinful, selfish woman. But you know what? My problems and struggles are the lot God has given me. If I could flip my mindset from “Why is her life so perfect” to “God gave me this so that I can know Him more” then I would be so much more better off. And confident. And free. If I could always grasp that life is truly about knowing Him and serving Him, I would want to delight in His sufferings. I mean, have you read the Bible? No one with a story had it perfect. In fact, God’s greatest leaders struggled the most. Their lives were messy. They struggled and fell but they always got back up. Losing Henry was the worst thing I have ever endured. It was a potential podium for so many negative thoughts and if I were to let myself go there, I would die. I know this because I did on a few occasions. I once read that your greatest trial is your greatest ministry. I couldn’t agree more. God created me knowing that I would lose my precious son. It’s horrible and dark and I yearn for him daily, but there is so much beauty in it. Why cheapen that by comparing myself to some random girl from high school who is rich, has a nanny and has 3 “perfect” kids?

And my husband. I couldn’t have a better husband. I have watched him grow and mature in his walk with the Lord so much over the past few years. He is the man who held me and prayed out loud in the funeral home chapel when I had to sign over my son’s body. He is the man who goes for a drive around the block instead of staying in the room while I take out my hard day on him. He is the man that takes on extra work so that I can stay home AND shop at Target. So why do I even try to compare him to any other man? I’ll tell you this, Facebook doesn’t help. We have a beautiful home in a nice community. In fact, I was looking at our house the other day thinking about how beautiful it is and how much I love all the things in it. Things from our 7 years together. Things we picked out. Things from our children. Memories. Then on to Facebook I go and boom, another friend has a million dollar home with Pottery Barn everything. And why don't her dogs shed? Why does this even bother me? I’m still not sure, but the root of the issue is entitlement and worldliness and I don’t like it. It makes me feel icky and shallow. I never think to compare myself to people who are wealthier or more beautiful or whose life appears easier until I look at social media.

The only tool that we should use for comparison is the Word of God. The only being I should compare myself to is Jesus Christ. That means that when these thoughts arise….the “she is prettier, she is a better mom, her marriage is perfect, her husband is more attentive, her children are more behaved” thoughts boil in my heart I need to measure them to the Word. Period. End of story. This isn’t an endorsement to get rid of social media. In fact, I plan to use it again when I can grasp these concepts better, but it can be a tool that creates great, unnecessary, unwarranted, ugly comparison. Comparison that robs me of the joy promised in Christ. The joy of enjoying the beautiful blessings I have now.